So, I am going to write a plan, like yes right now, right now I am writing this plan.
Enter dog: Dog interrupts the plan. He has poop on his butt. Dog scoots about on the Turkish carpet (That I lugged through three airports and 25 hours of flight time on my lap) with the most stupid but gratifying look on his face (I think the expression is shit eating grin) I scream “HEY! What the fuck!” Plan on hold while I liberate the poop from said dogs ass.
Minor set back, begin again to start to writing “the plan”.
Enter instant FB message: I find this amusing and distracting. Yes, a break from my own angst and on to fixing other peoples problems while I procrastinate on fixing my own. Don’t they know I am working on a plan? My friends are so self absorbed, no, wait, that’s me. My friend just wrote how she is using her “tools” and reaching out to her friends to make it through yet another personal disaster. If her phone was blowing up as much as her life she would be the queen of fucking everything. I am so glad I am one of her tools, that’s me I am just a big fucking tool that you reach for when in need. I sit in a box somewhere in a basement where it is dark and dank, waiting, just salivating to be released, to be of use, to do my job and fix something for Christ sakes. After an hour of so of my sage advise she feels better, she will live another day, she has run out of wine. She puts me back into the box and off she goes back into the matrix to find another tool and more wine.
Major set back, but I forge on to the plan.
(Note to self: sign out of FB, really it’s beneath you)
Back to starting to write this plan? ? ? ? Is anyone out there? I sit staring at the screen. Nothing. I reach into a drawer in the back of my mind and pull out a note. Ah! Maybe a way forward, some hope of salvation, or a tidbit of an idea to prove I am not a total waste of molecules bashing into each other.
Note: Gone fishing, come back later, no, just fuck off.
Maybe tea will help, going to make some tea NOW!
Back with tea - back to starting to write this plan.
Title: This plan will solve all of your problems and fix the hole in your heart.
“When did the hole start?”
There will be questions? No one told me there would be questions, No one told me there would be questions, No one told me there would be questions. Fuck.
It was pulled little threads at a time, it unraveled, trying to fix the mistakes in my knitting. Ripping out the work, loosing my way and knitting back the very same mistakes that were there before. Shit, shit, shit! In exasperation I ripped it all apart and left it there. A big fat hole in my heart.
How to accept your flaws 101:
There is something artful, meaningful, haunting, and worthwhile deep inside you. Release it without regret. You are a child of the universe be brave, bold, happy, and hungry. You are a beautiful experiment of tissue and memory, bleed all over the world and leave it there.
How is this a plan I ask you?
I need more tea. Tea led to the aching garden outside, I pulled some weeds in the dark and it felt oddly liberating.
Back to the plan.
Does this plan include art - yes.
Why? - it feels right? (more questions? I am so done with the questions).
Does anything else feel this right - no.
Fuck.
I am going to be poor.
Fuck.
O.K. I am over that.
Enter cat: Cat jumps up on my desk and walks back and forth, looking smug and disappointed in me. She also has poop on her butt.
Most days my life is shit on an animals ass, but I am a useful tool.
So glad I cleared that up.
